Bachelor Recap

“The Bachelor” GIF Recap Week 3: Kicking Balls

This week – boats, soccer, bungee jumping, pool parties, and so much more! (Actually not that much more)

Chris Harrison, wearing a questionable shirt, shows up with the first “one on one” date invite

So Juan Pablo picks Cassandra up for the first date in this car


“I’m just going to trust him and jump in with him.” *Cringe*

And Juan Pablo teaches Cassandra how to dance
You would think a former NBA Dancer would know how to dance?

Cassandra gets the rose

Two girls get invited on a group date, but not these two

The group date is soccer-themed, because Juan Pablo used to play soccer, so obviously

And Team Red came to play

Sharleen has kind of a rough time

Juan Pablo and Andi shared an intimate kiss behind a concession stand

And there is a much more awkward kiss between him and Sharleen
This may be Sharleen’s first kiss ever

Ultimately Nikki gets the Group Date Rose

Chelsie gets the second “one on one” date

You cannot unsee this GIF

And Elise is like

Elise is 27 and Chelsie is 24. What a baby.
Chelsie attempts to car-dance on the way to her date
Author’s note: As a professional front seat car dancer this personally offends me

And after what seems like forever, Chelsie finally jumps off a bridge

And they share their first kiss
“I’ve never had a first kiss hanging upside down off a bridge” – Really Chelsie?

Chelsie gets the rose

The next morning Juan Pablo makes the girls breakfast and some of them are not having it

But Mama Renee doesn’t mind

They forego the cocktail party for a pool party

And Kelly has opinions about Kat

Cat has a mini-freakout before the rose ceremony

Remember – Cassandra, Nikki, and Chelsie are safe from elimination

And the roses go to….

Why do you think you got cut Christy?

And how are you feeling about it Lucy?

Until next week, please enjoy Juan Pablo endlessly spraying Champagne

The Bachelor Season Premiere : Ranking All 27 Limo Introductions

This is the definitive ranking of the 27 Limo Introductions from the Season Premiere of the Bachelor. The first 9 girls were all eliminated on the first night.

27. Kylie – Ive been told that a pink dress with red hair is not a good look. Also, she walked up for a rose when Juan Pablo called someone else’s name.

26. Lauren H – She was clearly not emotionally ready to participate. Also, she makes this face.

25. Amy J –  She speaks in Spanish but so did a few other girls. No big.

24. Alexis – She was from Tampa, and also spoke Spanish. Same same.

23. Ashley – She’s a school teacher so she gives Juan Pablo a star. He is not impressed.

22. Lacy – She owns a nursing home, so she brought Juan Pablo “pills.” JP – Not a fan of Red Hots.

21. Maggie – She brought Juan Pablo a fishing hook, and made this awesome joke. I can’t imagine why she didn’t get a rose.

20. Valerie – She wore boots, she’s a cowgirl. Apparently not what JP is looking for.

19. Christine – She actually brought a cute present for his daughter, She deserved to stay.

And now on to the victors. These 18 girls got a rose and lived on to compete for Juan Pablo’s heart for another week.

18. Sharleen – Sharleen may actually be the worst. Not only did she not want to be there, but she is an Opera singer and SHE DIDN’T SING.

17. Amy L – She was the first one out of the limos, and although she didn’t have any props, she did open with a nice compliment

16. Cassandra – The most interesting thing about Cassandra is her job title – Former NBA Dancer. So she must be retired now?

15. Christy – What is in her hair? A headband? A tiara? Both?

14. Elise – She is from Forty Fort, Pennsylvania. There is a place called Forty Fort?

13. Victoria –  She is from Brazil, she speaks a little Spanish, he speaks a little Portuguese. The speaking Spanish thing is a little played but being exotic is a plus.

12. Danielle – She had a good strategy to ensure more face time. She said she had something to give him inside. It was a teddy bear for his daughter. Well played Danielle.

11. Nikki – She is a Pediatric Nurse so she brought a stethoscope and had him listen to her heart. Meh.

10. Renee –  She is a self described “Single Mommy” which is a pretty good connection to play.

9. Clare –  And speaking of single mommies, here comes a pregnant girl. Oh wait, it’s a joke. That’s just what every guy wants, a girl willing to fake a pregnancy….

8. Kat – She gets Juan Pablo to show her some Salsa dancing. Also, he called her name during the rose ceremony – NOT YOURS KYLIE GO HOME.

7. Chantel – How do you pronounce Chantel? Oh, that’s how – like Shhhh.

6. Lucy – Her job is “Free Spirit”, and Juan Pablo’s Reaction is priceless

5. Chelsie –  Chelsie is a Science teacher, she brings some lab equipment, hands it to him, and then throws it in the bushes – all for this line.

4. Alli– Sure, anyone could have brought a soccer ball, but how many girls were down to show up in a dress and CLEATS?! That’s dedication to the bit.

3. Lauren S – She rode up on a bike, that’s also a piano, playing music, that she composed. Whoa.

2. Andi – Andi was the last one out of the limos, but made the biggest impact on Juan Pablo. He was genuinely blown away by her beauty.

1. Molly – And the winner for Best Limo Introduction goes to Molly the dog. There may or may not have been a person named Kelly with her, I don’t remember.

5 Important Questions from The Bachelor: Countdown to Juan Pablo

1. Does this girl always jump around in her underwear?

I’m the MOST fun!

2. What is in all these awesome looking bowls of food (other than bananas?)

What time do we eat?

3. What is Juan Pablo’s job? He has Venezuelan baseball players sign memorabilia? What?

Hey sign these cleats bro

4. Does Juan Pablo always make his daughter dress identically to him?

Not weird at all

5. And most importantly, who are these girls flashing?

Fuck it, we’re not going to win anyways